Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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