you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
