Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
