since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
