her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
