Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
