i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
