My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
