It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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