Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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