i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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