***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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