Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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