dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
