Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
