you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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