so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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