Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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