Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
