listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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