I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
