dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
