Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
