I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
