if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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