awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
