I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Someone came in the potted fern
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
