47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
