One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Randomize
