My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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