did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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