I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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