The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
