My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm experimenting with sincerity
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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