I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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