he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
