You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
