the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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