i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
