I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
