You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
