wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
