Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
