Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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