i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
