I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
