I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
