so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
