I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
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I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
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I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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