life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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