Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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