Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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