It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
