Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
birth control should be required to get into college
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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