I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
