What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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