she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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