you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
