I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
