can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
