peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
so much tequila, so little girl.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
