Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
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