There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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