im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
