im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
